Our church is in a military town. We regularly have young men come through, join the church for a year or two—or even just a few months—while they are training, then they get sent packing to another base for the next part of their training.
Typically these men are ambitious, bright, energetic, and hardworking. Like many in their generation, they have grown up with the excesses of the internet and a libertine, progressive culture. Often they were raised in homes that were Christian in name only, yet have come to a place where they hunger for the solid meat of robust biblical teaching.
Our church provides that teaching well, so they grow in doctrine, love for the Lord, and personal holiness. Yet they only get a year or two of solid teaching, then they move on.
Assuming major sins have been mortified—porn and digital addiction are significant here—and major doctrines taught and accepted, if I had an hour to sit down and counsel a young Christian man like this before he heads off to college, the military, or a first job in another state, here is what I would say.
1. The Bible gives us our categories for life (Deuteronomy 6:1–25)
The way we perceive and understand and respond to the world will either come from the Bible, or elsewhere. For Christians, our categories for life come from Scripture.
- Not psychology (personality, diagnoses, trauma, mental health, addiction)
- Not politics (power dynamics, social justice, equity, diversity, freedom)
- Not academia (economics, history, linguistics, neuroscience, biology, genetics)
- Not self-help (emotional intelligence, productivity, boundaries, self-acceptance, positivity)
- Not entertainment (all of the above, presented in thoughtless, bite-sized portions)
Read Deuteronomy 6 and consider how utterly comprehensive God’s claim is upon his people. And the New Testament is no different: “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence” (2 Peter 1:3).
2. …and sweepingly demands our all (Matthew 22:37–40)
- “For this very reason, make every effort…” (2 Peter 1:5).
- “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23).
- “So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him” (2 Corinthians 5:9).
- “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21).
Our lives belong to him. To love him, to trust him, to obey him means to live out his word in every area of our lives. That is the point of the rest of what I want to say.
3. Don’t date; get married (Genesis 2:18)
It is not good for a man to be alone. Apart from the gift and calling to singleness, mankind was created for marriage and family—to “be fruitful and multiply.”
Don’t play around with marriage. Don’t delay it. Don’t pine for it either—be content with where the Lord has you, and seek to grow to become the man and the husband God would have you be.
But when the Lord brings a godly woman who shares your vision for the Christian life, don’t wait until the job and the bank account and the house and everything else falls into place. Get married and work on that stuff together!
4. Don’t wait; have lots of kids (Psalm 127, 128)
If you don’t think that children are a blessing, a heritage, and a reward, you don’t think biblically. Read Psalms 127 and 128 and see how the Lord describes family life, particularly children.
“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward” (Psalm 127:3). No employee says to their boss, “Let’s hold off a few years before giving me a paycheck.”
“Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” (Psalm 127:4). No soldier says to the quartermaster, “I’ll wait on ammunition until I’ve finished training and run a few missions.”
“Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table” (Psalm 128:3). No farmer says to his wife, “Let’s give the farm a few years to settle in before planting crops.”
Get married and start having kids soon.
5. Personally catechize your kids (Deuteronomy 6:7, 20–25; Psalm 78:4, Ephesians 6:4)
The command is all-encompassing: “You shall teach them [God’s commands] diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” This responsibility is given specifically to fathers (Ephesians 6:4, also see all of Proverbs).
However you handle the question of education, there is no educational option that removes a father’s responsibility to know his kids and teach them—daily, even hourly—the things of God. So at a minimum, find a good catechism and teach it regularly to your kids.
6. Make every aspect of your children’s education acknowledge Christ as Lord (Deuteronomy 6:7, 20–25; Psalm 78:4, Ephesians 6:4)
Scripture does not permit us to hand our children over to another religion—for that is what a child-training institution is, particularly one that regards the Christian God as one irrelevant god among many—for instruction and formation for 1,000 hours per year.
Homeschool or private Christian education that is actually and robustly Christian are the only options for believers. Yes, these options cost more, and take more time. That is exactly as it should be if we value our children.
7. Give your kids freedom, not devices (Ephesians 6:4)
Do not provoke your children, Paul says. Do not “protect” them from the real world by keeping them inside and giving them a virtual portal to every evil influence under the sun, or training them to be lazy and habituated to entertainment.
Send them outside, on their own, to be bored and come up with things to do and build relationships with those around them. Determine now to not give your child a powerful, private, personal device and social media accounts, and set the culture in your home in a trajectory of true adventure.
And don’t be a hypocrite… Stay off your own phone, and help your kids understand when and why you must use it. Make calls rather than texting. Get an alarm clock and charge your phone in the living room. Never touch your phone while you drive.
Make entertainment a family thing. Give your driving teens a dumbphone with GPS. Have a family desktop in the living room where everyone can see it. Avoid endless gaming, binge-watching, and autoplaying short form video. Read aloud to your children, send them to bed with books,
8. Choose your home for hospitality (Romans 12:13)
Christians are known for breaking bread together. We are commanded to practice hospitality.
Pick your home with ministry in mind:
- How close is it to church?
- Is there enough room for a small group?
- How big of a dining room table can we fit?
- Is there space for parking, for church BBQs in the backyard, for youth game nights?
- Should we find a place with a “mother in law” suite to house missionaries or the needy?
Then budget your time and finances to regularly invite people over. For instance, get a crock pot and some good recipes that you can throw together Sunday mornings so you can always invite someone for lunch after church.
9. Invest in eternity (Luke 12:29–24)
The Lord must determine our investing strategy. The Bible teaches that:
- Everything you have—money, skills, relationships, time, etc—is a gift from God
- You are a steward of those things for his purposes
- Real treasure is in heaven
Do you believe these things? Then, if you have money, give it for the sake of the kingdom. Support missionaries. Give generously to the church. Meet needs in the body as they arise.
If you don’t have money, then you have time. Use your time for the kingdom. Serve others, evangelize, disciple, minister.
If you have neither time nor money, you may be mismanaging one or both.
10. There is no such thing as retirement (Colossians 3:23-24)
Paul tells us to labor with all our might in “whatever you do.” It is impossible to retire to a life of ease and at the same time “work heartily, as for the Lord.” No man can have two masters.
For sure, you should plan and save in order to retire from your 9-to-5 job. But your retirement should have the flavor of ministry, not a vacation. It could look like full time volunteer biblical counseling, or teaching at a Christian school, or running a nonprofit ministry, or engaging in foreign missions.
Whatever you do in retirement, it should be something that could be described as hearty work, as unto the Lord.
11. Observe the Lord’s Day (Exodus 20:8–11)
God is the Lord over our time. He calls us to work six days, then rest and worship one. When you balance work and rest biblically, you have time for everything God calls you to do.
On Sunday, you have an entire day devoted to the things of God: corporate worship and fellowship, plus time dedicated to private or family prayer, singing, study, catechising, giving, good deeds, fellowship, rest, and relationship building.
On the other six days, you work in your vocation for 8-12 hours, then have hours left to continue laboring to serve your family in household duties, love your wife and kids, invest in others, share a meal together, lead family worship, pray, and much more.
This perspective saves you from the trap of thinking that you serve your family at work for eight hours, then the rest of the day is “me time.”
12. Read the Bible every day (Psalm 119:97)
All these things come much more naturally with a renewed mind (Romans 12:2). You must be utterly saturated in the Scriptures. This means that, at an absolute minimum, you must personally be in the word every day.
This can look different for different people. Here is one outline:
- Personal devotions: Wake up before the family to study Scripture and pray
- Instruction: Read a chapter in Proverbs—there are 31 chapters, so if today is the 15th, read chapter 15—every morning around the breakfast table with your family
- Prayer & memorization: Pray a short psalm every day at lunch until you have it memorized
- Family worship: At dinner or bedtime, lead your family in worship
For family worship, keep it simple: Read, pray, sing. Read a passage of Scripture, pray together, and sing to the Lord. Some families add memorization too. A consistent time of family worship for 5-15 minutes every day has the profound impact of tangibly making Christ’s lordship a reality in your home.
Daily Bible habits like these give you the structural framework to have more spontaneous talks with your family about the Lord. Pray for needs as they arise, praise the Lord for a beautiful sunset, point out the “idols of the heart” targeted by billboards as you drive by, sit down with a child and encourage them in their love for their siblings.
These things should be normal and natural if you make them normal and natural, and all of it will flow from your own love for God’s word.
There is much more that can and should be taught—which is why we must be in a local church with biblical preaching and discipleship. But these are the principles that young men who have not grown up in churches with serious discipleship most need to hear.
